So I find myself having had a difficult end of the week on many different levels. And I got out my book by David Kyle Foster, " Sexual Healing" and happened upon the chapter/Study section God, My Father. How is it I can be so disconnected from the idea, the thought, of God being my Father, someone I can run to for Love, and Good things he has promised for those whom he calls Sons and Daughters? Yet, many times I will be out on my balcony, hanging on the edge, talking to Him? That says to me that down deep , I must believe Him, right? That He is who He says He is. I also read some quotes in this study section from " The Father Heart of God" that have stayed with me all day, even when I am trying to numb out on movies and my recliner, I keep remembering that the book is just down on the floor , next to my recliner, waiting for me to pick it up and continue on. So I do and there is that quote again, staring at me, reminding me.
" God allows, even arranges, trying experiences in our lives to expose our character weaknesses and wrong attitudes so that He can deal with them."
And I thought , He WANTS to deal with our weaknesses, not to condemn , punish and banish us for them , mind you, it's about putting our lives into His hands fully, whatever that looks like. That letting Him deal with our weaknesses and wrong attitudes are about HIM putting HIS strengths and right heart attitudes within us, it's all about Him, it's all about Him. I could say that over and over and it sounds profound every time.
And yet , like in a circus without a crowd, here I stand in the center ring with the spolight firmly on me, blackness all around me, with a steering wheel in my hands. There is noone in the crowd, I am alone and that is precisely how I feel right now.
When your young, your a fortunate person to have people in your life who are willing to call things as they see them. To help direct you and hopefully keep you from making stupid decisions that you would eventually pay for royally some way or another. I was thinking about this last night ( Sat night) as I was lost in my music, walking across the snowy, icy streets, all bundled up and headed to the grocery store for much needed provisions and I was perusing in my thoughts , my set answers to anyone who wants to know why I can't drive yet, and why I have no vehicle, the same trite response , and It dawned on me as I am seemingly lost in this song called " the blues" by switchfoot, (man I feel so melancholy right now ) that noone has ever challenged me in this area , and although it feels that way about every aspect of my life, its really just this one . I want to just disappear really, I already feel so invisible, like everything is slowly caving in on me, and I really want to find where God is in all this. It feels like His back is turned to me. I have not made that critical connection in my heart where I relate to Him as a Father, and yet I want to, I know it's the only truth that's real.
I have nothing really profound to offer here. Just a series of jumbled thoughts all spread around like a puzzle with missing pieces. I feel like I reach out to people to establish SOMETHING, ANYTHING.....and I come up short, which a bit like the story of my life. So where do I go from here?
