Recently I came into possession an almost new, Samsung Surround Sound System, procured off of freecycle, a website I highly endorse because it's all free stuff, some good, some not so good, depending on how you look at it. This particular System was being given away because the owner could not make it work to her satisfaction and deemed it unworthy.
( somehow this statement made me pause for a moment, do we do that with our walk with God? )
She therefore was simply giving it away. AND IT'S AMAZING!!
It holds 5 DVD's and comes with 6 speaker parts as well, a subwoofer, a center console and four other speakers, my living room has just become a really great theatre that I don't have to travel any distance to watch a movie, and the quality is spectacular, nothing short of amazing. My movies seem to have more depth, more character, it feels like there are new scenes I have never noticed before, and the sound of course is so clear, you really experience the movie, and it made me think about my walk with God.......kind of like a .....this is my life without God...............this is my life WITH GOD.....kind of feel to it.
So I started thinking about what my life was like without God tonight.
I had friends, I had Love, I had meaning and purpose, I was talented and fun to be around. But my friends only really liked me if I was drunk, and the " Love" we shared wasn't anything close to what love really is AT ALL, in fact, once I had moved to Des Moines from Tulsa, all those people who " Loved" me dropped me instantly, and had nothing to do with me unless there was something to whine about concerning themselves. It's not like I didn't try to make real love happen in those relationships, but it was all surface affection. When it came to meaning and purpose, it was to expend all of my energy to Gay-ify every aspect of my life, which was a full time job and left little room for my daughters who saw me sporadically at best. They were an afterthought. I had to be woken from my Idolatrous stupor again and again by a nagging phone call from my ex, asking me PLEASE BE IN THIER LIVES. My only talent then was my ability to sing well at karaoke and to be available for sexual promiscuity around the clock.........literally. I was actually ostracized once one evening upon hanging out at the local gay bar, by a man who was good friends with someone I had a one night stand with, who, apparently was severely upset with me for doing that to him. Ironic isn't it that it's a standard in that lifestyle and I was playing by the rules, but I used him. I can understand how he/they felt. It's sad.
Eventually I was done with the disillusionment and the way I was living my life and was feeling very "wooed" by God and I threw off that old garment, repented, and started getting plugged into Jesus " surround sound style".
And what a difference He makes!!
Love from the Body of Christ is sweet, and gets sweeter still with every moment of fellowship, corporate worship, and teaching. Relationships get more meaningful, and you can visually see the Love, as brothers and sisters lay down their lives to love on me and help me. My talent now is my ability to serve others, through whatever means I can , to be an encouragement and a speaker of God's truth to people, and over people. My worth no longer lies in how I can impress others, but in just standing before God.....to just " BE".......and the experience is richer than anything I have ever witnessed before. Now, rather than sin being the status quo for my life, walking free from it has become a real characteristic, a challenge, a priviledge, an opportunity to bless my Father in Heaven, and in turn I become a sacrifice for the Body of Christ. I can now see how my walking purposefully in sexual , and relational integrity, can help be a lifesaver cast out on the waters to one who is drowning in sin, and despair.
I still find myself dealing with what I feel are adolescent emotions . Recently I had to go to the Doctor because my left hand was really hurting, more so than before and I had to wear my brace continually. The Dr gave me steroids and cautioned me that I would feel much better and not to be deceived by that. And she was right, it did feel so much better, almost to the point that I really struggled with shame and guilt that perhaps I made something much bigger out of something that wasn't so bad after all, which is a lie from Hell. Tonight at work I experienced the recurring pain again. Sooooo what is it about me that makes me patronize myself from within? The pain is real, the damage to my wrist is real, yet I struggle with worry that others are judging me, silently accusing me of lying and deception. That can only be the enemy. But it still happens. This is where My " personal " surround sound sytem comes into play. The reality is this : that I am operating in truthfulness, honesty and integrity, and actually I refrain from going to the Dr when I really need to, chosing to deal with it on my own until it becomes too much for me. Makes me wonder if I feel or falsely believe I have to suffer much before seeking relief. I don't know. But Jesus does and I am contend processing this with Him. Meanwhile I am really enjoying how Jesus amplifies the important things in my walk with Him , and in my relationships in Christ. And my personal "surround sound system " is free for the taking. SWEET!
