Recently I came into possession an almost new, Samsung Surround Sound System, procured off of freecycle, a website I highly endorse because it's all free stuff, some good, some not so good, depending on how you look at it. This particular System was being given away because the owner could not make it work to her satisfaction and deemed it unworthy.
( somehow this statement made me pause for a moment, do we do that with our walk with God? )
She therefore was simply giving it away. AND IT'S AMAZING!!
It holds 5 DVD's and comes with 6 speaker parts as well, a subwoofer, a center console and four other speakers, my living room has just become a really great theatre that I don't have to travel any distance to watch a movie, and the quality is spectacular, nothing short of amazing. My movies seem to have more depth, more character, it feels like there are new scenes I have never noticed before, and the sound of course is so clear, you really experience the movie, and it made me think about my walk with God.......kind of like a .....this is my life without God...............this is my life WITH GOD.....kind of feel to it.
So I started thinking about what my life was like without God tonight.
I had friends, I had Love, I had meaning and purpose, I was talented and fun to be around. But my friends only really liked me if I was drunk, and the " Love" we shared wasn't anything close to what love really is AT ALL, in fact, once I had moved to Des Moines from Tulsa, all those people who " Loved" me dropped me instantly, and had nothing to do with me unless there was something to whine about concerning themselves. It's not like I didn't try to make real love happen in those relationships, but it was all surface affection. When it came to meaning and purpose, it was to expend all of my energy to Gay-ify every aspect of my life, which was a full time job and left little room for my daughters who saw me sporadically at best. They were an afterthought. I had to be woken from my Idolatrous stupor again and again by a nagging phone call from my ex, asking me PLEASE BE IN THIER LIVES. My only talent then was my ability to sing well at karaoke and to be available for sexual promiscuity around the clock.........literally. I was actually ostracized once one evening upon hanging out at the local gay bar, by a man who was good friends with someone I had a one night stand with, who, apparently was severely upset with me for doing that to him. Ironic isn't it that it's a standard in that lifestyle and I was playing by the rules, but I used him. I can understand how he/they felt. It's sad.
Eventually I was done with the disillusionment and the way I was living my life and was feeling very "wooed" by God and I threw off that old garment, repented, and started getting plugged into Jesus " surround sound style".
And what a difference He makes!!
Love from the Body of Christ is sweet, and gets sweeter still with every moment of fellowship, corporate worship, and teaching. Relationships get more meaningful, and you can visually see the Love, as brothers and sisters lay down their lives to love on me and help me. My talent now is my ability to serve others, through whatever means I can , to be an encouragement and a speaker of God's truth to people, and over people. My worth no longer lies in how I can impress others, but in just standing before God.....to just " BE".......and the experience is richer than anything I have ever witnessed before. Now, rather than sin being the status quo for my life, walking free from it has become a real characteristic, a challenge, a priviledge, an opportunity to bless my Father in Heaven, and in turn I become a sacrifice for the Body of Christ. I can now see how my walking purposefully in sexual , and relational integrity, can help be a lifesaver cast out on the waters to one who is drowning in sin, and despair.
I still find myself dealing with what I feel are adolescent emotions . Recently I had to go to the Doctor because my left hand was really hurting, more so than before and I had to wear my brace continually. The Dr gave me steroids and cautioned me that I would feel much better and not to be deceived by that. And she was right, it did feel so much better, almost to the point that I really struggled with shame and guilt that perhaps I made something much bigger out of something that wasn't so bad after all, which is a lie from Hell. Tonight at work I experienced the recurring pain again. Sooooo what is it about me that makes me patronize myself from within? The pain is real, the damage to my wrist is real, yet I struggle with worry that others are judging me, silently accusing me of lying and deception. That can only be the enemy. But it still happens. This is where My " personal " surround sound sytem comes into play. The reality is this : that I am operating in truthfulness, honesty and integrity, and actually I refrain from going to the Dr when I really need to, chosing to deal with it on my own until it becomes too much for me. Makes me wonder if I feel or falsely believe I have to suffer much before seeking relief. I don't know. But Jesus does and I am contend processing this with Him. Meanwhile I am really enjoying how Jesus amplifies the important things in my walk with Him , and in my relationships in Christ. And my personal "surround sound system " is free for the taking. SWEET!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The skillful Art of Suffering 1 Peter 4:1
The past few days I have been particularly thinking about what it means to suffer in the flesh which translates into being free from sin. Although there are some who argue that we will never be free from it so, run , be free, sin to your hearts content, and, oh yes, don't forget to ask forgiveness before you go to bed! I realize my comment is very tongue in cheek, but most anyone I would share this with would agree with me. And although I LOVE to pick out others sins and faults and muse upon what they should or should not be doing ( gasp......I exposed myself) I really desire to make sure that it is my own that I am preoccupied with and not others.
Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination.
It really started when a new facebook friend, whom I had only known for about a week or more, had made a comment on his status that indicated that either, (A.) a temptation was on the horizon for him to fall sexually, or (B) that he was about to. In any case I knew this was not good and made it known to him that I felt so, other believers who follow Jesus were also making their thoughts known to some degree or other. Less than 24 hours later I discovered that I was de-friended by this young man, and I was not surprised in the slightest. He was a spitting image of me at some point in time of my young adult life and I recognized the tell-tale signs all too well.
I can pretty much surmise how the whole thing came about with him and I am sure he will be , at some point, rapping on heaven's door for forgiveness and restoration. In the meantime I sent him a message letting him know that I was aware he had taken me off as his friend and that I was NOT offended if he wanted it to remain that way, I still wanted to be a source of hope and encouragement to him, as a result of that i guess , he re-added me onto his friends list , at least for now, and I am grateful for the opportunity to love him in Christ and speak truth whenever it is possible. Again, I remember my past all too well, so easy to pretend religion, to say all the right things, and I could talk a really good talk. Most people who knew me were sent reeling when I would go into my sexually broken role. I would disappear, deceive, be "repentant", come back, seem to be better, but eventually the facade I was keeping up would fail and I would be right back at the bars,cutting myself off from people including family, sleeping with whomever, spending money I didn't have, not paying my bills, and more importantly not taking care of myself. I was a huge mess.
I never understood that walking out of that lifestyle was going to cost me something and in order to really be free..............I had to pay up.
This is where suffering comes into the picture. And Bless Jesus, He was an example of that, a template for us to follow, I get it now. ( Hebrews 5:8)
One of my favorite books is My Utmost for His Highest. And there is no mistaking it's having been used, it's stained, beat up, the end is torn off, but the pages within hold a wealth of wisdom and truth, and like always, I opened it up for Sunday's devotional and viola! again, as if I should be surprised, the days devotional was on target for what was going through my heart about suffering. It was based on 1 Peter 4:19 and it starts off like this.....
Wow. It's as plain as day to me, and confirms to me the truth of this passage. See, when, in '99 I deliberately chose to walk out of homosexuality, I determined that no matter what it cost me, even if it killed me, I would do it. I can just envision God up there clapping his hands together, and ,with a loud exclamation cries, " FINALLY, now we're getting somewhere!" I did make that proclamation to God, and cost me it did. I was alone for months, my friends would periodically drive by my apartment to see if I might change my mind and hit the bars with them, but no. As a result of this decision , I became very hungry for the things of God, for truth, and I read any book written by those who spoke His truth! Ten years later I am realizing so much more of what it means to make that decision to walk away from that lifestyle, and or rather what it doesn't mean.
~It didn't mean I was instantly wanting to be with a woman, although I did have some heterosexual attractions, so it wasn't all that far fetched.
~It didn't mean that I was no longer attracted to men.
~It didn't mean that I no longer had a problem with pornography.
~It didn't mean that I didn't deal with masturbation ever again. ( gasp he said the M word)
However......
I understand that the call of Jesus to lose my life for His sake will result in my gaining His life in return ( Luke 9:24, Matt 10:39, John 12:25) losing my life for His sake will mean that there is some suffering involved, especially when we must crucify the flesh with it's passions and desires ( Gal 5:24)
Now let me put this in another way that doesn't sound so ominous and horrible. In Galatians it talks about those who belong to Jesus Christ have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires. To me, what I see is this.........as we truly come to know and walk with Jesus, we come to realize that going on with him means dying to some things that have kept us in allegiance to the God of this world, which is Satan, whether it's our sexual addictions, or our love for entertainment regardless of the genre, or our personal "rights" to be treated the way we think we should be treated, anything that competes with our allegiance with God and our Love for the things of God. When we truly love Him, it may be hard but we would be horrified to NOT die to those things which keep us from thriving in His presence. As I speak I am mystified at how I have loss almost all desire for TV, i mean , I have my movies, but I am not spending all my free time watching them, and I am trying to make sure that all of them are wholesome, but that's MY thing, my desire. The hard part for me is that I am not instantly spending all my free time in prayer and study, although I do desire to see more of that in my life, I want to be pleasing to Him who bought me with His blood to deliver me and set me free. Why would I not be willing to suffer for Him in return, knowing that He suffered far more than I may ever! So let me end with this.......It's a privilege to lay down my life for Jesus, and I am looking forward to understanding the skillful art of suffering that I may be a fragrant aroma to the Lord!
Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination.
It really started when a new facebook friend, whom I had only known for about a week or more, had made a comment on his status that indicated that either, (A.) a temptation was on the horizon for him to fall sexually, or (B) that he was about to. In any case I knew this was not good and made it known to him that I felt so, other believers who follow Jesus were also making their thoughts known to some degree or other. Less than 24 hours later I discovered that I was de-friended by this young man, and I was not surprised in the slightest. He was a spitting image of me at some point in time of my young adult life and I recognized the tell-tale signs all too well.
I can pretty much surmise how the whole thing came about with him and I am sure he will be , at some point, rapping on heaven's door for forgiveness and restoration. In the meantime I sent him a message letting him know that I was aware he had taken me off as his friend and that I was NOT offended if he wanted it to remain that way, I still wanted to be a source of hope and encouragement to him, as a result of that i guess , he re-added me onto his friends list , at least for now, and I am grateful for the opportunity to love him in Christ and speak truth whenever it is possible. Again, I remember my past all too well, so easy to pretend religion, to say all the right things, and I could talk a really good talk. Most people who knew me were sent reeling when I would go into my sexually broken role. I would disappear, deceive, be "repentant", come back, seem to be better, but eventually the facade I was keeping up would fail and I would be right back at the bars,cutting myself off from people including family, sleeping with whomever, spending money I didn't have, not paying my bills, and more importantly not taking care of myself. I was a huge mess.
I never understood that walking out of that lifestyle was going to cost me something and in order to really be free..............I had to pay up.
This is where suffering comes into the picture. And Bless Jesus, He was an example of that, a template for us to follow, I get it now. ( Hebrews 5:8)
One of my favorite books is My Utmost for His Highest. And there is no mistaking it's having been used, it's stained, beat up, the end is torn off, but the pages within hold a wealth of wisdom and truth, and like always, I opened it up for Sunday's devotional and viola! again, as if I should be surprised, the days devotional was on target for what was going through my heart about suffering. It was based on 1 Peter 4:19 and it starts off like this.....
" To choose to suffer means that there is something wrong; to choose God's will even if it means suffering is a very different thing. No healthy saint ever chooses suffering; he chooses God's will , as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not."
Wow. It's as plain as day to me, and confirms to me the truth of this passage. See, when, in '99 I deliberately chose to walk out of homosexuality, I determined that no matter what it cost me, even if it killed me, I would do it. I can just envision God up there clapping his hands together, and ,with a loud exclamation cries, " FINALLY, now we're getting somewhere!" I did make that proclamation to God, and cost me it did. I was alone for months, my friends would periodically drive by my apartment to see if I might change my mind and hit the bars with them, but no. As a result of this decision , I became very hungry for the things of God, for truth, and I read any book written by those who spoke His truth! Ten years later I am realizing so much more of what it means to make that decision to walk away from that lifestyle, and or rather what it doesn't mean.
~It didn't mean I was instantly wanting to be with a woman, although I did have some heterosexual attractions, so it wasn't all that far fetched.
~It didn't mean that I was no longer attracted to men.
~It didn't mean that I no longer had a problem with pornography.
~It didn't mean that I didn't deal with masturbation ever again. ( gasp he said the M word)
However......
- It did and does mean that I have to trust that he is doing a work in me even when it doesn't feel like it.
- That I can and do say no to sin, and that I turn to the Father for help and support when I need it to keep my focus on Him and off of me....how did Keith Green put it in his song?...." Lord it's so hard to see when my eyes are on me"
- It means that I can be tempted to define myself by the sexual and relational brokenness that one characterized my life, and yet, the work that Jesus has done in me and STILL doing, and the words he has personally spoken to me now characterize me.......
- It means that as I walk with Him , seek Him, seek His word, and devote time to prayer I will find that the former things of old are like a fading echo that I can only hear when I am tempted to turn up the volume.
- and it means that in order for my life to be truly hid in Christ, for my walk to be holy, for my spiritual life to be fruitful and abundant, I will suffer in the flesh..
I understand that the call of Jesus to lose my life for His sake will result in my gaining His life in return ( Luke 9:24, Matt 10:39, John 12:25) losing my life for His sake will mean that there is some suffering involved, especially when we must crucify the flesh with it's passions and desires ( Gal 5:24)
Now let me put this in another way that doesn't sound so ominous and horrible. In Galatians it talks about those who belong to Jesus Christ have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires. To me, what I see is this.........as we truly come to know and walk with Jesus, we come to realize that going on with him means dying to some things that have kept us in allegiance to the God of this world, which is Satan, whether it's our sexual addictions, or our love for entertainment regardless of the genre, or our personal "rights" to be treated the way we think we should be treated, anything that competes with our allegiance with God and our Love for the things of God. When we truly love Him, it may be hard but we would be horrified to NOT die to those things which keep us from thriving in His presence. As I speak I am mystified at how I have loss almost all desire for TV, i mean , I have my movies, but I am not spending all my free time watching them, and I am trying to make sure that all of them are wholesome, but that's MY thing, my desire. The hard part for me is that I am not instantly spending all my free time in prayer and study, although I do desire to see more of that in my life, I want to be pleasing to Him who bought me with His blood to deliver me and set me free. Why would I not be willing to suffer for Him in return, knowing that He suffered far more than I may ever! So let me end with this.......It's a privilege to lay down my life for Jesus, and I am looking forward to understanding the skillful art of suffering that I may be a fragrant aroma to the Lord!
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