I'd like to say that I am so amazed at how God chooses to use things to open our eyes and hearts, from the mundane, to the spectacular. However, my favorite way is when it comes directly from the Old Testament. I love that it points us to Jesus in the here and the now. Of course, naysayers, and there are PLENTY of them out there, would argue that the Old Testament is no longer valid, and just meant to amuse us.
I know better.
Recently I had gone on a pilgrimage to the International House of Prayer, seeking some insight into certain areas of my life, and a need to connect with the Lord in a deeper, more intimate way. Now I would love to say that the whole weekend was fraught with Golden nuggets of truth, and incredible words of knowledge pertaining to specific areas of need in my heart, and that fire came down upon me causing my face to glow like it did for Moses that day. Enter reality! What did happen was, I came away trying to figure out if anything I was hoping for had actually happened to me. Now, there were for others, that unfolding of events that brought them to a totally new place of trust and healing, a transforming that can only be brought about by God. Oh don't misunderstand, I did come away touched by Him. He spoke to me several times, words of love, even a picture of Him placing a beautiful robe on me, unique in design and in color, meant only for me. But what I was hoping for did not transpire until after I came back. I think one of the challenges to coming away from a wonderful weekend of worship, teaching, prayer, and more worship, is NOT in what took place THERE, but what takes place after.
And the answer to what I was looking for this past weekend was found in the Word of God........go figure.
" Thus says the LORD of Hosts: "These people say the time has not yet come to rebuild the house of the Lord....Is it a time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, while THIS house lies in ruins? Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes." Thus says the LORD of hosts " Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house , that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified," says the LORD. " You looked for much, and behold it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why?" declares the Lord of hosts. " Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house." Haggai 1:2-9
Upon reading this, all sorts of light bulbs began coming on, understanding filled my heart and mind, it was exciting, yet challenging. Exciting because it was what I was longing for this past weekend, and it's challenging because,it's what I do with what I have been shown that makes the difference. I am reminded also of another scripture from Psalm 127:1, ( hat tip to Keith Green for putting this to music.)
Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.
Hopefully I can pull all this together to make sense and not be jumbled all over the place. Let me take this verse from Psalm and break it down a little. Bear with me also please because I know that all who read this probably have already built a solid foundation upon this word of Truth and I am now just getting it!!
1. Unless the Lord builds the house - I get this image of our bodies like this house and unless God has been given permanent residence within it, then he really isn't welcome to build anything at all , this is why the second part, " They labor in vain who build it" is so vital, it's impossible to allow God to reside within us when we try to live life our own way, on our own terms, in our own strength, and especially without Him. Let me paint another picture for you. Say I ask you to come and live with me, only, nothing of yours is allowed, nothing to indicate that you live there too, so when I have friends or guests over, they have no clue that I don't live alone. It's the same way with God. It's in HIS building you from the inside out that counts. No good thoughts or good deeds make you a Christian. It's from accepting the gift that HE alone can give of His life through repentance, receiving from Him the Life He gives as we surrender ours, to Him. Putting up pictures all over your house, even crosses, which have lost their true meaning in our society, DO NOT make you a Christian. People will just think you like to have pictures of God and crosses in your house. When God is invited in, he begins to build His Life, His Image, His House, within us, and that is with His Word, with Prayer and personal and corporate worship. These have to be done every day, like tending to a garden, if you don't water it, then the life you started will die. When Jesus walked the earth before His death on the cross, He constantly promoted the Father, everything he said and did was to Glorify the Father, and He left us an example, WE TOO have to promote the Father/Son. If a person labels themselves a Christian but serves only themselves then I question their relationship with Christ. He left us His word for a reason, even Jesus studied the scriptures AND quoted them, prophesying with them. We are far too concerned about our leisure, our being entertained, we are lulled by the enemy of our souls into this false security of this false " Christianity". And if we are not so wholly devoted to His word day and night, to seeking him day and night, to worshipping Him day and night, then a time will come when we will fall away because there was no solid foundation built from the beginning. A house that does not fall apart when the storms come is one that was built upon the Lord Jesus Christ. Only Jesus Christ can do this.
That's where the third verse comes in " Unless the LORD guards the city, the watchman keep awake in vain"
By an active, living and breathing relationship with Jesus Christ, we become a solid fortress, having allowed Jesus to have HIS way within us...in our hearts, through his word implanted, which is able to save our souls. ( James 1:21)
And He will if we let him, implant it all over within us, it's what will guide us, save us, FREE us!!
Believing Jesus is who He says He is isn't enough, even the demons believe and shudder.( James 2:19) There has to be death of ourselves, to the flesh, to the self, losing it to gain HIS that makes the difference. I didn't experience a regeneration until I declared within my heart " If it kills me I will follow you". THAT is what God is after! Ceasing from my vain human efforts to do anything that I feel might be pleasing to God when there is no relationship, no covenant partnership, is a DEAD effort. His Life, His Blood, His Word, His Spirit, these are the things that God wants and demands, and is it too much for him to ask?? NEVER!!! The sacrifice he paid for me was more than I could have ever dreamed of to be able to walk with Him, talk with Him, LIVE with Him. It's all about Jesus, no other thing, no other person.
And the scripture from Haggai, this is such an incredible picture, for us today the Old Testament points to Jesus, to His Temple, which you are if you are truly born again from above. ( 1 Cor 3:16) Again, this temple within us is for His Spirit, His presence to reside. And I can just see it, as long as we are devoted to ourselves, pampering this sin-ridden flesh, and indulging in entertainment that shuts Him out and walks hand in hand with darkness, we cannot and WILL NOT see the Kingdom of Heaven. Why do you think Jesus drove the money changers and merchants out of the Temple? Because there wasn't enough space for Him to walk around?? It's because the Temple should be kept pure and Holy.....and it's only made that way BY HIM.
So now I am thinking alot of this particular temple and what is kept in it, what's on the walls in this temple, what I choose to bring into this temple. Every Human that stands before God will have to answer to God for what they did with this temple, either they completely rejected letting Him come in and reside, or they made one little corner in the temple a shrine to remember God from time to time, OR they got rid of the doors that kept Him out and allowed Him full access to every part of their inner temple DAY AND NIGHT, and His word is found everywhere within, His presence is found everywhere within. I am presently unhinging all my doors......
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Quest
So I find myself having had a difficult end of the week on many different levels. And I got out my book by David Kyle Foster, " Sexual Healing" and happened upon the chapter/Study section God, My Father. How is it I can be so disconnected from the idea, the thought, of God being my Father, someone I can run to for Love, and Good things he has promised for those whom he calls Sons and Daughters? Yet, many times I will be out on my balcony, hanging on the edge, talking to Him? That says to me that down deep , I must believe Him, right? That He is who He says He is. I also read some quotes in this study section from " The Father Heart of God" that have stayed with me all day, even when I am trying to numb out on movies and my recliner, I keep remembering that the book is just down on the floor , next to my recliner, waiting for me to pick it up and continue on. So I do and there is that quote again, staring at me, reminding me.
" God allows, even arranges, trying experiences in our lives to expose our character weaknesses and wrong attitudes so that He can deal with them."
And I thought , He WANTS to deal with our weaknesses, not to condemn , punish and banish us for them , mind you, it's about putting our lives into His hands fully, whatever that looks like. That letting Him deal with our weaknesses and wrong attitudes are about HIM putting HIS strengths and right heart attitudes within us, it's all about Him, it's all about Him. I could say that over and over and it sounds profound every time.
And yet , like in a circus without a crowd, here I stand in the center ring with the spolight firmly on me, blackness all around me, with a steering wheel in my hands. There is noone in the crowd, I am alone and that is precisely how I feel right now.
When your young, your a fortunate person to have people in your life who are willing to call things as they see them. To help direct you and hopefully keep you from making stupid decisions that you would eventually pay for royally some way or another. I was thinking about this last night ( Sat night) as I was lost in my music, walking across the snowy, icy streets, all bundled up and headed to the grocery store for much needed provisions and I was perusing in my thoughts , my set answers to anyone who wants to know why I can't drive yet, and why I have no vehicle, the same trite response , and It dawned on me as I am seemingly lost in this song called " the blues" by switchfoot, (man I feel so melancholy right now ) that noone has ever challenged me in this area , and although it feels that way about every aspect of my life, its really just this one . I want to just disappear really, I already feel so invisible, like everything is slowly caving in on me, and I really want to find where God is in all this. It feels like His back is turned to me. I have not made that critical connection in my heart where I relate to Him as a Father, and yet I want to, I know it's the only truth that's real.
I have nothing really profound to offer here. Just a series of jumbled thoughts all spread around like a puzzle with missing pieces. I feel like I reach out to people to establish SOMETHING, ANYTHING.....and I come up short, which a bit like the story of my life. So where do I go from here?
" God allows, even arranges, trying experiences in our lives to expose our character weaknesses and wrong attitudes so that He can deal with them."
And I thought , He WANTS to deal with our weaknesses, not to condemn , punish and banish us for them , mind you, it's about putting our lives into His hands fully, whatever that looks like. That letting Him deal with our weaknesses and wrong attitudes are about HIM putting HIS strengths and right heart attitudes within us, it's all about Him, it's all about Him. I could say that over and over and it sounds profound every time.
And yet , like in a circus without a crowd, here I stand in the center ring with the spolight firmly on me, blackness all around me, with a steering wheel in my hands. There is noone in the crowd, I am alone and that is precisely how I feel right now.
When your young, your a fortunate person to have people in your life who are willing to call things as they see them. To help direct you and hopefully keep you from making stupid decisions that you would eventually pay for royally some way or another. I was thinking about this last night ( Sat night) as I was lost in my music, walking across the snowy, icy streets, all bundled up and headed to the grocery store for much needed provisions and I was perusing in my thoughts , my set answers to anyone who wants to know why I can't drive yet, and why I have no vehicle, the same trite response , and It dawned on me as I am seemingly lost in this song called " the blues" by switchfoot, (man I feel so melancholy right now ) that noone has ever challenged me in this area , and although it feels that way about every aspect of my life, its really just this one . I want to just disappear really, I already feel so invisible, like everything is slowly caving in on me, and I really want to find where God is in all this. It feels like His back is turned to me. I have not made that critical connection in my heart where I relate to Him as a Father, and yet I want to, I know it's the only truth that's real.
I have nothing really profound to offer here. Just a series of jumbled thoughts all spread around like a puzzle with missing pieces. I feel like I reach out to people to establish SOMETHING, ANYTHING.....and I come up short, which a bit like the story of my life. So where do I go from here?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Jesus is my Surround Sound
Recently I came into possession an almost new, Samsung Surround Sound System, procured off of freecycle, a website I highly endorse because it's all free stuff, some good, some not so good, depending on how you look at it. This particular System was being given away because the owner could not make it work to her satisfaction and deemed it unworthy.
( somehow this statement made me pause for a moment, do we do that with our walk with God? )
She therefore was simply giving it away. AND IT'S AMAZING!!
It holds 5 DVD's and comes with 6 speaker parts as well, a subwoofer, a center console and four other speakers, my living room has just become a really great theatre that I don't have to travel any distance to watch a movie, and the quality is spectacular, nothing short of amazing. My movies seem to have more depth, more character, it feels like there are new scenes I have never noticed before, and the sound of course is so clear, you really experience the movie, and it made me think about my walk with God.......kind of like a .....this is my life without God...............this is my life WITH GOD.....kind of feel to it.
So I started thinking about what my life was like without God tonight.
I had friends, I had Love, I had meaning and purpose, I was talented and fun to be around. But my friends only really liked me if I was drunk, and the " Love" we shared wasn't anything close to what love really is AT ALL, in fact, once I had moved to Des Moines from Tulsa, all those people who " Loved" me dropped me instantly, and had nothing to do with me unless there was something to whine about concerning themselves. It's not like I didn't try to make real love happen in those relationships, but it was all surface affection. When it came to meaning and purpose, it was to expend all of my energy to Gay-ify every aspect of my life, which was a full time job and left little room for my daughters who saw me sporadically at best. They were an afterthought. I had to be woken from my Idolatrous stupor again and again by a nagging phone call from my ex, asking me PLEASE BE IN THIER LIVES. My only talent then was my ability to sing well at karaoke and to be available for sexual promiscuity around the clock.........literally. I was actually ostracized once one evening upon hanging out at the local gay bar, by a man who was good friends with someone I had a one night stand with, who, apparently was severely upset with me for doing that to him. Ironic isn't it that it's a standard in that lifestyle and I was playing by the rules, but I used him. I can understand how he/they felt. It's sad.
Eventually I was done with the disillusionment and the way I was living my life and was feeling very "wooed" by God and I threw off that old garment, repented, and started getting plugged into Jesus " surround sound style".
And what a difference He makes!!
Love from the Body of Christ is sweet, and gets sweeter still with every moment of fellowship, corporate worship, and teaching. Relationships get more meaningful, and you can visually see the Love, as brothers and sisters lay down their lives to love on me and help me. My talent now is my ability to serve others, through whatever means I can , to be an encouragement and a speaker of God's truth to people, and over people. My worth no longer lies in how I can impress others, but in just standing before God.....to just " BE".......and the experience is richer than anything I have ever witnessed before. Now, rather than sin being the status quo for my life, walking free from it has become a real characteristic, a challenge, a priviledge, an opportunity to bless my Father in Heaven, and in turn I become a sacrifice for the Body of Christ. I can now see how my walking purposefully in sexual , and relational integrity, can help be a lifesaver cast out on the waters to one who is drowning in sin, and despair.
I still find myself dealing with what I feel are adolescent emotions . Recently I had to go to the Doctor because my left hand was really hurting, more so than before and I had to wear my brace continually. The Dr gave me steroids and cautioned me that I would feel much better and not to be deceived by that. And she was right, it did feel so much better, almost to the point that I really struggled with shame and guilt that perhaps I made something much bigger out of something that wasn't so bad after all, which is a lie from Hell. Tonight at work I experienced the recurring pain again. Sooooo what is it about me that makes me patronize myself from within? The pain is real, the damage to my wrist is real, yet I struggle with worry that others are judging me, silently accusing me of lying and deception. That can only be the enemy. But it still happens. This is where My " personal " surround sound sytem comes into play. The reality is this : that I am operating in truthfulness, honesty and integrity, and actually I refrain from going to the Dr when I really need to, chosing to deal with it on my own until it becomes too much for me. Makes me wonder if I feel or falsely believe I have to suffer much before seeking relief. I don't know. But Jesus does and I am contend processing this with Him. Meanwhile I am really enjoying how Jesus amplifies the important things in my walk with Him , and in my relationships in Christ. And my personal "surround sound system " is free for the taking. SWEET!
( somehow this statement made me pause for a moment, do we do that with our walk with God? )
She therefore was simply giving it away. AND IT'S AMAZING!!
It holds 5 DVD's and comes with 6 speaker parts as well, a subwoofer, a center console and four other speakers, my living room has just become a really great theatre that I don't have to travel any distance to watch a movie, and the quality is spectacular, nothing short of amazing. My movies seem to have more depth, more character, it feels like there are new scenes I have never noticed before, and the sound of course is so clear, you really experience the movie, and it made me think about my walk with God.......kind of like a .....this is my life without God...............this is my life WITH GOD.....kind of feel to it.
So I started thinking about what my life was like without God tonight.
I had friends, I had Love, I had meaning and purpose, I was talented and fun to be around. But my friends only really liked me if I was drunk, and the " Love" we shared wasn't anything close to what love really is AT ALL, in fact, once I had moved to Des Moines from Tulsa, all those people who " Loved" me dropped me instantly, and had nothing to do with me unless there was something to whine about concerning themselves. It's not like I didn't try to make real love happen in those relationships, but it was all surface affection. When it came to meaning and purpose, it was to expend all of my energy to Gay-ify every aspect of my life, which was a full time job and left little room for my daughters who saw me sporadically at best. They were an afterthought. I had to be woken from my Idolatrous stupor again and again by a nagging phone call from my ex, asking me PLEASE BE IN THIER LIVES. My only talent then was my ability to sing well at karaoke and to be available for sexual promiscuity around the clock.........literally. I was actually ostracized once one evening upon hanging out at the local gay bar, by a man who was good friends with someone I had a one night stand with, who, apparently was severely upset with me for doing that to him. Ironic isn't it that it's a standard in that lifestyle and I was playing by the rules, but I used him. I can understand how he/they felt. It's sad.
Eventually I was done with the disillusionment and the way I was living my life and was feeling very "wooed" by God and I threw off that old garment, repented, and started getting plugged into Jesus " surround sound style".
And what a difference He makes!!
Love from the Body of Christ is sweet, and gets sweeter still with every moment of fellowship, corporate worship, and teaching. Relationships get more meaningful, and you can visually see the Love, as brothers and sisters lay down their lives to love on me and help me. My talent now is my ability to serve others, through whatever means I can , to be an encouragement and a speaker of God's truth to people, and over people. My worth no longer lies in how I can impress others, but in just standing before God.....to just " BE".......and the experience is richer than anything I have ever witnessed before. Now, rather than sin being the status quo for my life, walking free from it has become a real characteristic, a challenge, a priviledge, an opportunity to bless my Father in Heaven, and in turn I become a sacrifice for the Body of Christ. I can now see how my walking purposefully in sexual , and relational integrity, can help be a lifesaver cast out on the waters to one who is drowning in sin, and despair.
I still find myself dealing with what I feel are adolescent emotions . Recently I had to go to the Doctor because my left hand was really hurting, more so than before and I had to wear my brace continually. The Dr gave me steroids and cautioned me that I would feel much better and not to be deceived by that. And she was right, it did feel so much better, almost to the point that I really struggled with shame and guilt that perhaps I made something much bigger out of something that wasn't so bad after all, which is a lie from Hell. Tonight at work I experienced the recurring pain again. Sooooo what is it about me that makes me patronize myself from within? The pain is real, the damage to my wrist is real, yet I struggle with worry that others are judging me, silently accusing me of lying and deception. That can only be the enemy. But it still happens. This is where My " personal " surround sound sytem comes into play. The reality is this : that I am operating in truthfulness, honesty and integrity, and actually I refrain from going to the Dr when I really need to, chosing to deal with it on my own until it becomes too much for me. Makes me wonder if I feel or falsely believe I have to suffer much before seeking relief. I don't know. But Jesus does and I am contend processing this with Him. Meanwhile I am really enjoying how Jesus amplifies the important things in my walk with Him , and in my relationships in Christ. And my personal "surround sound system " is free for the taking. SWEET!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The skillful Art of Suffering 1 Peter 4:1
The past few days I have been particularly thinking about what it means to suffer in the flesh which translates into being free from sin. Although there are some who argue that we will never be free from it so, run , be free, sin to your hearts content, and, oh yes, don't forget to ask forgiveness before you go to bed! I realize my comment is very tongue in cheek, but most anyone I would share this with would agree with me. And although I LOVE to pick out others sins and faults and muse upon what they should or should not be doing ( gasp......I exposed myself) I really desire to make sure that it is my own that I am preoccupied with and not others.
Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination.
It really started when a new facebook friend, whom I had only known for about a week or more, had made a comment on his status that indicated that either, (A.) a temptation was on the horizon for him to fall sexually, or (B) that he was about to. In any case I knew this was not good and made it known to him that I felt so, other believers who follow Jesus were also making their thoughts known to some degree or other. Less than 24 hours later I discovered that I was de-friended by this young man, and I was not surprised in the slightest. He was a spitting image of me at some point in time of my young adult life and I recognized the tell-tale signs all too well.
I can pretty much surmise how the whole thing came about with him and I am sure he will be , at some point, rapping on heaven's door for forgiveness and restoration. In the meantime I sent him a message letting him know that I was aware he had taken me off as his friend and that I was NOT offended if he wanted it to remain that way, I still wanted to be a source of hope and encouragement to him, as a result of that i guess , he re-added me onto his friends list , at least for now, and I am grateful for the opportunity to love him in Christ and speak truth whenever it is possible. Again, I remember my past all too well, so easy to pretend religion, to say all the right things, and I could talk a really good talk. Most people who knew me were sent reeling when I would go into my sexually broken role. I would disappear, deceive, be "repentant", come back, seem to be better, but eventually the facade I was keeping up would fail and I would be right back at the bars,cutting myself off from people including family, sleeping with whomever, spending money I didn't have, not paying my bills, and more importantly not taking care of myself. I was a huge mess.
I never understood that walking out of that lifestyle was going to cost me something and in order to really be free..............I had to pay up.
This is where suffering comes into the picture. And Bless Jesus, He was an example of that, a template for us to follow, I get it now. ( Hebrews 5:8)
One of my favorite books is My Utmost for His Highest. And there is no mistaking it's having been used, it's stained, beat up, the end is torn off, but the pages within hold a wealth of wisdom and truth, and like always, I opened it up for Sunday's devotional and viola! again, as if I should be surprised, the days devotional was on target for what was going through my heart about suffering. It was based on 1 Peter 4:19 and it starts off like this.....
Wow. It's as plain as day to me, and confirms to me the truth of this passage. See, when, in '99 I deliberately chose to walk out of homosexuality, I determined that no matter what it cost me, even if it killed me, I would do it. I can just envision God up there clapping his hands together, and ,with a loud exclamation cries, " FINALLY, now we're getting somewhere!" I did make that proclamation to God, and cost me it did. I was alone for months, my friends would periodically drive by my apartment to see if I might change my mind and hit the bars with them, but no. As a result of this decision , I became very hungry for the things of God, for truth, and I read any book written by those who spoke His truth! Ten years later I am realizing so much more of what it means to make that decision to walk away from that lifestyle, and or rather what it doesn't mean.
~It didn't mean I was instantly wanting to be with a woman, although I did have some heterosexual attractions, so it wasn't all that far fetched.
~It didn't mean that I was no longer attracted to men.
~It didn't mean that I no longer had a problem with pornography.
~It didn't mean that I didn't deal with masturbation ever again. ( gasp he said the M word)
However......
I understand that the call of Jesus to lose my life for His sake will result in my gaining His life in return ( Luke 9:24, Matt 10:39, John 12:25) losing my life for His sake will mean that there is some suffering involved, especially when we must crucify the flesh with it's passions and desires ( Gal 5:24)
Now let me put this in another way that doesn't sound so ominous and horrible. In Galatians it talks about those who belong to Jesus Christ have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires. To me, what I see is this.........as we truly come to know and walk with Jesus, we come to realize that going on with him means dying to some things that have kept us in allegiance to the God of this world, which is Satan, whether it's our sexual addictions, or our love for entertainment regardless of the genre, or our personal "rights" to be treated the way we think we should be treated, anything that competes with our allegiance with God and our Love for the things of God. When we truly love Him, it may be hard but we would be horrified to NOT die to those things which keep us from thriving in His presence. As I speak I am mystified at how I have loss almost all desire for TV, i mean , I have my movies, but I am not spending all my free time watching them, and I am trying to make sure that all of them are wholesome, but that's MY thing, my desire. The hard part for me is that I am not instantly spending all my free time in prayer and study, although I do desire to see more of that in my life, I want to be pleasing to Him who bought me with His blood to deliver me and set me free. Why would I not be willing to suffer for Him in return, knowing that He suffered far more than I may ever! So let me end with this.......It's a privilege to lay down my life for Jesus, and I am looking forward to understanding the skillful art of suffering that I may be a fragrant aroma to the Lord!
Not an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination.
It really started when a new facebook friend, whom I had only known for about a week or more, had made a comment on his status that indicated that either, (A.) a temptation was on the horizon for him to fall sexually, or (B) that he was about to. In any case I knew this was not good and made it known to him that I felt so, other believers who follow Jesus were also making their thoughts known to some degree or other. Less than 24 hours later I discovered that I was de-friended by this young man, and I was not surprised in the slightest. He was a spitting image of me at some point in time of my young adult life and I recognized the tell-tale signs all too well.
I can pretty much surmise how the whole thing came about with him and I am sure he will be , at some point, rapping on heaven's door for forgiveness and restoration. In the meantime I sent him a message letting him know that I was aware he had taken me off as his friend and that I was NOT offended if he wanted it to remain that way, I still wanted to be a source of hope and encouragement to him, as a result of that i guess , he re-added me onto his friends list , at least for now, and I am grateful for the opportunity to love him in Christ and speak truth whenever it is possible. Again, I remember my past all too well, so easy to pretend religion, to say all the right things, and I could talk a really good talk. Most people who knew me were sent reeling when I would go into my sexually broken role. I would disappear, deceive, be "repentant", come back, seem to be better, but eventually the facade I was keeping up would fail and I would be right back at the bars,cutting myself off from people including family, sleeping with whomever, spending money I didn't have, not paying my bills, and more importantly not taking care of myself. I was a huge mess.
I never understood that walking out of that lifestyle was going to cost me something and in order to really be free..............I had to pay up.
This is where suffering comes into the picture. And Bless Jesus, He was an example of that, a template for us to follow, I get it now. ( Hebrews 5:8)
One of my favorite books is My Utmost for His Highest. And there is no mistaking it's having been used, it's stained, beat up, the end is torn off, but the pages within hold a wealth of wisdom and truth, and like always, I opened it up for Sunday's devotional and viola! again, as if I should be surprised, the days devotional was on target for what was going through my heart about suffering. It was based on 1 Peter 4:19 and it starts off like this.....
" To choose to suffer means that there is something wrong; to choose God's will even if it means suffering is a very different thing. No healthy saint ever chooses suffering; he chooses God's will , as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not."
Wow. It's as plain as day to me, and confirms to me the truth of this passage. See, when, in '99 I deliberately chose to walk out of homosexuality, I determined that no matter what it cost me, even if it killed me, I would do it. I can just envision God up there clapping his hands together, and ,with a loud exclamation cries, " FINALLY, now we're getting somewhere!" I did make that proclamation to God, and cost me it did. I was alone for months, my friends would periodically drive by my apartment to see if I might change my mind and hit the bars with them, but no. As a result of this decision , I became very hungry for the things of God, for truth, and I read any book written by those who spoke His truth! Ten years later I am realizing so much more of what it means to make that decision to walk away from that lifestyle, and or rather what it doesn't mean.
~It didn't mean I was instantly wanting to be with a woman, although I did have some heterosexual attractions, so it wasn't all that far fetched.
~It didn't mean that I was no longer attracted to men.
~It didn't mean that I no longer had a problem with pornography.
~It didn't mean that I didn't deal with masturbation ever again. ( gasp he said the M word)
However......
- It did and does mean that I have to trust that he is doing a work in me even when it doesn't feel like it.
- That I can and do say no to sin, and that I turn to the Father for help and support when I need it to keep my focus on Him and off of me....how did Keith Green put it in his song?...." Lord it's so hard to see when my eyes are on me"
- It means that I can be tempted to define myself by the sexual and relational brokenness that one characterized my life, and yet, the work that Jesus has done in me and STILL doing, and the words he has personally spoken to me now characterize me.......
- It means that as I walk with Him , seek Him, seek His word, and devote time to prayer I will find that the former things of old are like a fading echo that I can only hear when I am tempted to turn up the volume.
- and it means that in order for my life to be truly hid in Christ, for my walk to be holy, for my spiritual life to be fruitful and abundant, I will suffer in the flesh..
I understand that the call of Jesus to lose my life for His sake will result in my gaining His life in return ( Luke 9:24, Matt 10:39, John 12:25) losing my life for His sake will mean that there is some suffering involved, especially when we must crucify the flesh with it's passions and desires ( Gal 5:24)
Now let me put this in another way that doesn't sound so ominous and horrible. In Galatians it talks about those who belong to Jesus Christ have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires. To me, what I see is this.........as we truly come to know and walk with Jesus, we come to realize that going on with him means dying to some things that have kept us in allegiance to the God of this world, which is Satan, whether it's our sexual addictions, or our love for entertainment regardless of the genre, or our personal "rights" to be treated the way we think we should be treated, anything that competes with our allegiance with God and our Love for the things of God. When we truly love Him, it may be hard but we would be horrified to NOT die to those things which keep us from thriving in His presence. As I speak I am mystified at how I have loss almost all desire for TV, i mean , I have my movies, but I am not spending all my free time watching them, and I am trying to make sure that all of them are wholesome, but that's MY thing, my desire. The hard part for me is that I am not instantly spending all my free time in prayer and study, although I do desire to see more of that in my life, I want to be pleasing to Him who bought me with His blood to deliver me and set me free. Why would I not be willing to suffer for Him in return, knowing that He suffered far more than I may ever! So let me end with this.......It's a privilege to lay down my life for Jesus, and I am looking forward to understanding the skillful art of suffering that I may be a fragrant aroma to the Lord!
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